Study reveals remarkable primary season phenomena

A recent study released today from Hervard University has uncovered some remarkable scientific phenomena that may be the deciding factor in who gets elected the next President of the United States, and may in fact also effect elections for years to come. Below is an incomplete sampling of those rules and phenomena, based primarily on millions of interviews and blogposts over the last 8 years.  

Rule #1: Remarkably, all Candidates' supporters suck except for your Candidate's supporters.

Rule #1A: Scientists have learned that other Candidates' supporters suck 82%++ more when theirs is winning and yours is losing.

Rule #2: The immense electibility of your candidate is directly proportional to the inability of supporters of other candidates' to comprehend how their candidate will destroy democracy for eternity

Rule #3: Every bad thing ever said by anyone who has ever met a  candidate for President is a direct reflection on that candidate.*

Rule #3A: *Rule 3 does not apply to your candidate.

Rule #4: The worst most diabolical possible interpretation of any particular event that a candidate is involved in is always true.*

Rule #4A: See Rule #3A

Rule #5: The volume of recommended diaries and blogposts on the internets about other candidates is unequivocal proof that their supporters are members of a cult.

Rule #5A: The volume of recommended diaries and blogposts about your candidate is proof that there is overwhelming support for your candidate, who will eventually win in a landslide electoral victory.

Rule #6: Victories by opposing candidates are universally the result of election fraud.

Rule #7: All polls demonstrating the lead or impending lead of opposing candidates are outliers.

These are just a few of the remarkable results found in this study.

I swear, it's all true. There's a study out.